Not living the unlived life.

It has been a week of contemplation for me. A lot of rambling thoughts. Questions with answers that pose more questions.

Somewhere in my mental meanderings I have come to some conclusions. Hopefully I can express them at least a little coherently here.

On the premise that we are born to die, I can only think of two biblical characters off hand who beat those odds. Assuming that perhaps the bible is perhaps a work of fiction or else completely misunderstood, it does not bode well. I am going to die like everybody else.

I have never been afraid of death until now, not death itself but rather the life I will live until I die. A life lived in fear, a life that becomes banal, uninteresting even to myself. For a few months I know I lost the plot completely and drew into myself. No More.

I will not live an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to love
so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

To not live an unlived live I realise is to require an absolute freedom, not bound by the shackles of my past, nor the shackles of a grafted on morality.

I would rather live a life guided by that which sits deep within me. An honest life that is true to me and true to those around me.

Accepting a freedom like that is both excitng and terrifying. How much do the points of reference on a moral compass shift, when reliant on purely ones sense of self and who one is?

I may add to this post still. Blogger will not let me save it in draft.

A bit of fun................

Hey bloggy folk. I have a few posts I am toying with but am not ready to post, so in the mean time I figure I will give you something to look at.

Warning humour may get suspect in this blog. My mind warps a little when I am tired.

It's a fun meme. I am tempted to say if you are reading this consider yourself tagged :-)

Go to Wikipedia, and type in the month and day of your birth (no year). Then list 3 events, 2 birthdays and 1 death - I have added some commentry to my results since they seemed pertinent.

The Events
845 - Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge ransom in exchange for leaving.
Whats pertinent here is actually the man who paid the ransom. "Charles the Bald". Looking at my hairline you will understand my affinity for the man.
1979 - British Prime Minister James Callaghan, is defeated by one vote in a Motion of No Confidence. This results in Parliament being dissolved in order to make way for a forthcoming General Election.
This one vote defeat paves the way for the Iron Lady Margaret Thatcher to come to power. Pertinent because in my distant youth I did Maggie Thatcher impersonations for my Grandmother's amusement. Now there is a scary thought ........LOL.

1994 - In South Africa, Zulus and African National Congress supporters battle in central Johannesburg, resulting in 18 deaths.
This particular event has a big impact on me. I was an eyewitness to this event. Seeing a man die being hacked to death with a panga (Farming implement with a large blade) less than ten metres from me has left some scars. The gun fire, the violence, and the terror of the people fleeing for their lives is etched deep within my mind. I was standing on Rissik Street locked out of my place of work, just a short run from Shell House where the massacre started.

Needless to say I did not celebrate my birthday that year. Remarkably just less than two weeks later South Africa turned the corner in its political strife and had it's first truly democratic election. It has been my privlege to have lived through some of this country's most monumental moments. By a twist of fate I was employed by an international news agency at the time and got to experience a lot of the buzz at very close range.

The Births
1613 - Xiaozhuangwen Grand Empress Dowager, Empress in Manchu
This is not pertinent at all. I just think it must suck to have a name like that.

1849 - James Darmesteter, French author and antiquarian
This is pertinent because like me he was well known for his really large uhm uh nevermind.......... Actually that last bit I just made up. This is actually pertinent because I dig old sh!t too ;-)

The Death
1987 - Maria von Trapp, Austrian-born singer
If you are not bursting into some sort of song now, I am bitterly dissapointed. The Sound of Music (1965 Version with Julie Andrews ) is one of my favourite movies. I watched it many times with my grandmother between Maggie Thatcher impersonations. ;-)

In one of those weird and unexplained ways, I have met a man in real life who I speak to frequently now, who was in fact intimately familiar with the Von Trapp family on who the movie was based. One of the first girls he ever dated in life was Gretl Von Trapp. (The little girl in the movie played by Kym Karath.)

By his first hand account Maria Von Trapp was a complete tyrant that in no way resembled the sweet Maria in the movie. Talk about killing my illusion.

In Parting I will offer a deep piece of dialogue from the movie.

Max: Friedrich, Gretl, why don't you sing?

Gretl: I can't, I've got a sore finger.

Maria: Gretl, what happened to your finger?

Gretl: It got caught.

Maria: Caught in what?

Gretl: Friedrich's teeth.

You all take care now peeps.